A Year (Almost) in Durham

It’s hard to imagine that a year ago I was just settling into bed for my first night in Durham. The memories from that day seem so vivid right now. The exhaustion from all of the goodbyes and the long flights, the incredible anxiety over finding my way in a brand new place (indeed a brand new country), the loneliness of knowing absolutely no one. I don’t consider time to be a linear thing at all. In fact, I feel as though I’m looking at Past Jen through a thin veil and I feel so excited for all the amazing things she is about to experience and I have experienced. It’s going to be an incredible year for Past Jen.

I’ve been back in the United States for two weeks now. It has been an interesting transition. I have managed to see some of my really dear friends (and was able to be in one of their weddings), I have unpacked all six of my suitcases, I’ve started CrossFit at my new box, and I’ve even managed to get some artwork done.

Truthfully, the move back to the US had been giving me great anxiety (I still have some). When you travel and live in a different place for an extended period of time, you change. Sometimes the changes are imperceptible but in my case, the changes have been on the order of St. Paul’s Cathedral. I feel out of place here now, like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. It is apparently a normal feeling for ex-Pats who come back, but it is unsettling.

I’m still uncertain about the future. I can only imagine Future Jen sitting somewhere behind the veil smiling about my present trepidation. In a week I will have a Skype interview for my PhD application at Leicester. Perhaps in a week I will know what Future Jen is smiling about. Perhaps, I won’t know for a while longer. In any case, I wish Past Jen the best wishes for an exciting year and I, for the moment, think I need a cup of tea, Earl Gray, hot while I sit with my memories. 

Farewell, Dear Durham

One year ago I was beginning to say my farewells to my friends in the United States. There were dinners, deep conversations, long hugs, and tears. How odd to be in England now going through the same sort of transitional period with my friends here. It seems, as I get older, that partings have become more and more frequent. I find that many people come into my life and are here for a short while and then we say goodbyes. Thanks to modern technology those goodbyes aren’t usually permanent. Our friendships pass into a different phase of messaging, exchanging likes, and Skype sessions.

I’m finding myself more conflicted in emotions than ever about this latest round of partings. I will be seeing most of my friends when I return to Durham in January for graduation and perhaps I will be staying on in England after that for PhD work. Perhaps these thoughts are making the goodbyes easier. Perhaps it’s something else.

Have you ever gone back to your high school or university after you’ve graduated? It’s a very odd feeling. A place that felt so familiar, so much like home, feels strange when it is filled with different people. People are what really make a place feel special, feel unique, feel like home. Over the past month or so I have seen friends and acquaintances leave Durham on their way to the next phase of life. As Durham has emptied, its character has changed. It has begun to feel different, not like the Durham I have gotten to know. New faces have arrived and unfairly I have just made some new friends only days before I leave. Even so, Durham is changing around me. Even if I had managed to stay here for the next few months, I’m not sure I would have recognised it. I’m not sure I would have belonged here. I would have been standing still while my world kept moving and changing.

This will likely be my last post from Durham, at least until January. I plan to continue writing posts for my blog over the next few months. There is still a lot of exploring I haven’t done in my own backyard and I have a feeling there is going to be quite a lot of reverse culture shock (especially since I have a bit of an accent now). The journey isn’t over, it’s just moving continents for a short time.